ASK AMINAH

The aim of this section is to assist fathers in addressing their own personal issues, family life and in general, personal relationships. Aminah has over 15 years of experience surrounding relationship and communication issues amongst people from various communities and different cultural backgrounds. She has qualified certificates in counselling, mental health, social science and youth and community development.

By supporting a person through their own personal development of self, this support may enable the individual reader to seek or find ways in dealing with issues or conflicts that they may find difficult or challenging in everyday life. Personal development can also be supportive through the use of advising clients who come to this site, to seek other forms of help or assistance from local support networks and / or agencies; and these forms of help may be suggested in addition to the advise that is suggested by Aminah. Therefore, the aim of this site is that the support and advice given is to enable and assist men and / or fathers in fulfilling their own personal and / or social needs and requirements.

Q. I have two boys, both from two different mothers. I’ve tried everything to get on with both of my son’s mother’s, but nothing seems to be working. What am I doing wrong?
Barry, East London

A. To try ‘Everything’ is ‘everything’. You must sit down with yourself and find another different approach or strategies that will enable you to try and communicate positively with both mothers; and take into account that your children are also affected by your actions. Yes, a good / positive strategy may not end up working, but, if it does fail (for your children’s sake), continue to create new ones. What would benefit your children the most, is your consistency in taking an equal amount of responsibility for both of them; as not only are you setting a good example to your sons in being a good Dad, but it also demonstrates your support and love for them - which may help to sustain your family unit. Don’t give up!

Q. I’ve developed a close relationship with a female friend that I confide in and she gives me the emotional support that I need. I really like this friend, but the problem is, is that I have unresolved issues from a past relationship - which my female friend is aware of. However, because I like her and confide in her, this has created another new dilemma, as through our discussions of my issues she is aware of my weaknesses. How do I deal with my emotions?
Michael, Eltham, London

A. Firstly, It looks like you have a friend who has helped you to look at yourself. What is not clear is whether this friendship is one in which you want to develop further. You have stated that by disclosing your unresolved issues to your female friend, you get the support you need. However, is she aware that you would like her to be more than a friend? Is she aware of the further confusion that this new dilemma has caused on your emotions? Secondly, if you already have a good friendship with this female, focus on continually developing that friendship. More importantly, my advice would be for you to work on your own unresolved issues and on yourself, before you consider moving into any new relationship. Try to seek and find ways to move on from the past in order to look to the future. Your new dilemmas in this friendship can be used as a learning curve that may help you find new ways in communicating with females. Continue to develop your ability to communicate with females without feeling the need to jump into a new relationship. Give yourself time – as time can be a great healer.

Q. I’ve been seeing my current girlfriend for 7 years. We have a beautiful daughter who we both love and adore. I’ve just recently found out that I have another daughter, which I fathered from a previous relationship. How am I going to break this news to my girlfriend?
Anonymous, Swanscombe

A. Honesty is the best policy. You should have informed your girlfriend from the start of your discovery, as it may have enabled you to get moral support from her during your journey. Now that you know, understand that this child did not ask to be born, but she is here. So try and find the courage and/or seek support by explaining to your girlfriend that you have a responsibility to this child; and that it is evident that your responsibility to this child will ultimately have an effect on your relationship. However, whether or not your girlfriend chooses to support you is her prerogative. What is most important is that it seems that you want to do the right thing for both your children – by being there for them.

Q. I smoke weed and so do my friends. My mind tells me that the weed is affecting my health and I’ve recognised that it makes me de-motivated in dealing with my life situations. I want to stop smoking, but my friends don’t seem to be willing to support me. How can I overcome this habit?
Andrew, Croydon, Surrey

A. For you, there are two issues to resolve. And already you have recognised them. Firstly, the area regarding the friends that you keep, and secondly, your health and it’s effects on your life situation through the use of drugs. I do not see the need to tell you right from wrong – as you are well aware. My advice to you would be to seek support in developing ways in dealing with your issues through the use of local support groups, drug counselling or a mentor. Also try to seek support and surround yourself with other or new friends who are not inclined to take drugs, and that are involved in positive social activities that may help to encourage / stimulate your self-motivation.

Q. I have not seen my daughter for nearly 3 months and I am currently going through a court battle over the care of my daughter, with my child’s mother. A court date has been set to finalise how my daughter’s care will be shared by both of us. Recently, during my wait to attend court, the mother of my child has contacted me asking if I would like to see my daughter. Although I’m yearning to see my daughter, I’m thinking that to arrange a meeting may also affect the court’s final decision. What should I do?
Jamal, Ladywell, London

A. Court battles over the custody or care of children are always unpleasant, as many personal issues (negative, positive, truth or lies) of both parents are aired in public; leaving ‘public strangers’ to judge you and decide your child’s fate, in relation to the child’s care. So, if you decide to see the mother and child outside of court, it may change things for the better before attending your set court date (and if you really can’t get on, seek a mediator for example, a family counsellor to sit in on your discussion). By discussing both of your difficulties in an amicable manner, this will, in the long run, set the seed to develop positive communication skills; and help you both to develop your understanding in trying to maintain a good working relationship that will enhance the future development of your child. Court is a place of legal decisions; and the decision that the court makes can only have a positive or negative effect on one or both parties, as this depends on the verbal contracts made by the both of you, before legally binding it in court. Therefore, it is strongly suggested that the process of the final decision can be dealt with - long before going to court; thus aiming for a better outcome if or when you are due to attend. Understand that whatever decisions you both decide to make, ultimately, this can affect your child in a positive or negative manner.

Q. I am a married man with three children. A few months ago, I was made redundant from my job. I have been seeking employment since my redundancy; yet, I’ve had no joy in finding work. It has now affected my view of my family life, as I feel that I am unable to sustain it. My wife is not complaining – as she understands our situation and she continues to give me the encouragement and support during our rough patch. However, what with me not finding any work, I feel that I cannot see a positive future for us.
Roy, Dartford

A. Have you taken time out to look at your current skills and abilities that will help you to get the type of employment that you are seeking? Looking at your personal and social skills to see if they need updating is a good start that would help you to secure a job and earn a well-paid salary. You may need to go back into an education or training scheme, such as, a course at university (which helps to aid you in financial support) or a training scheme that guarantees employment. To add, there are various agencies that can assist you in getting employment, such as local high street employment agencies or agencies via the internet; as theses organisations have agents who can also work on your behalf to help you find work. Other from that, remember that you have a supportive wife who demonstrates her willingness to support you; by giving you the strength and encouragement to ensure you that things will improve for the better. So don’t be so hard on yourself - get out there and start hunting! - And good luck!